Timidity and self-confidence

Timidity and self confidence:

behind every timid person lies hidden, someone who suffers

Children and parental love

valerie-grumelin-halimi-psychotherapeute-psychologue-timidite-et-confiance-en-soiWhat seems fundamental is that unconditional love is that which every child should receive naturally from his parents and this, from the time he makes his entry into the world. I would go even further to say, he should receive this love from as far back as the conception…

Sadly, that is not an evident thing to accept for everyone. However, without doubt everything starts from there!

The question of love should be raised even before conceiving the baby in order to perceive with what design and unconscious goals of his parents, he arrives in this world.

Often, parents love their children badly or rather clumsily. They love them “on the condition” that they correspond to their (parents’) expectations, sometimes even their most secret ones. Bringing them into the world is not without expectations. The child comes as a savior, as cement between the couple or a project for life.

Depending on whether his behavior conforms or not with parents’ expectations, of what this birth means to them and of what he “becomes overnight” through the eyes of his parents, the child with a mission, can only feel trapped if he fails to fulfill the expectations of his parents.

Parents clumsily defer their own shortcomings on their children, thus, expecting from their children, attitudes and skills corresponding closely to or being far away from their own fantasies and investment in their personal repair projections.

Some consider their children as allies or as an integral part of their being: sometimes even sublimating them as their ideal companion by default. Some imagine their child as a member who completes them or is their extension. Still others hope to find in their progeny, a miracle remedy for their suffering, like a dressing or balm on an unhealed wound. Their desires and expectations are such that they don’t give to their progeny, the assurance and the comfort that they desire to gain confidence in themselves. This bad relation of conditional love prevents them from take their own path without constraint.

The child should not feel the need to have to merit being loved. This love should be his implicitly and freely in all cases and without expectations. Love does not need to be earned between children and parents: it is given and shared endlessly.

Let’s not omit the fact that parents have duties vis a vis their children and children have rights vis a vis their parents. They did not ask to come into this world even if I am convinced that they have the choice to opt out.

The child fully recognized with his own unique personality, with his strengths and weaknesses, not subjected to a mission other than to exist, not compared clumsily to his brothers or sisters alive or dead or anyone else for that matter, will feel respected and loved for himself. He will not be timid because he will be at ease with himself, recognized for what he is, and assured of his place by the unconditional love that he receives. From his babyhood, whatever he says, thinks or does, and no matter what his elders or younger ones do, he would have definitely acquired the security and will know for a fact that his parents will not change the subject of love for one better, more beautiful, more intelligent or stronger than him.

There is no accident therefore, and behind every timid person lies hidden, someone who suffers.

What does he suffer from, following his conception or birth? He suffers from having “clumsily” been desired, hoped for or loved: over protected or not protected enough, or even not desired initially by the two partners who created him. In any case, he would suffer from having not been taken seriously enough, highlighted as a project of a loving couple, to be able to feel confident right from his origin.

As he grows, he suffers an accidental trauma which drives him, faced with a sudden absence of benchmarks, towards disappointment, resulting in silence and isolation (Divorce, death, abandonment, abuse, illness of a loved one, and fear of the unknown). The fear of not pleasing others lodges itself, bringing along with it, the fear of being judged, not being loved for what one is. Let’s not forget that behind every fear lies a desire, that of being accepted and loved as one is, and that too, without judgment.

The child who feels judged through the eyes of his parents will feel uncomfortable and never feel naturally in his place. He will be tempted to do anything to please and therefore simulate continuously and be subjected to playing a role. He will shield himself with a kind of shell to protect him from this judgment which will end up destroying him if he is not careful! If he does not feel desired and loved just as he is, he always makes efforts and works towards achievements to elicit the benevolent gaze of his parents. If he is born deformed or not normally, he will have even more difficulty in being assertive and please others as he is.